Seven Days of Problems and Mishaps
by sendmetosanfran
Summary: Seven awkward and hopefully funny problems that Red and Liz run into while taking refuge in one of Red's safe houses. Rated T just in case.
1. Chapter 1

Red had gotten used to not living with other people. Now that liz was on the most wanted list, it was just the two of them in one of his old safe houses. It was located in the middle of the woods and should have been untraceable. So, they should be able to stay here for a while.

Red knew that he was going to have to hold back on his normal habits, not so much drinking or smoking cigars. Even smaller things were going to need to change as well. He didn't have Dembe with him. So, he was going to have to keep a closer watch on things, himself. He couldn't let Lizzie get hurt.

This was the first way that he was going to have to hold back. The safe house that they were staying in only had one bed which they had agreed to share it, but Red was a bit disappointed in what he had to wear to bed.

"Where are the rest of your clothes?" Liz asked when she saw that reddington had walked in wearing an undershirt and boxers. He gave her an odd look. Why was she wearing so much clothing? Honestly, she was wearing more now than what she wore during the day.

"Lizzie, you're just lucky that I'm wearing anything to bed. I usually don't," red responded, getting a blush from her. He sat down where the covers had been rolled back. He sighed as he sank onto the cool soft mattress. It felt nice compared to the heat from outside.

"Are you gonna be okay with this?" He questioned, looking up at her. There was no need to make her too uncomfortable. She nodded before moving under the covers next to him. He took note that she stayed to the other side of the bed. Reaching up, he flipped the light off and got cozy.

It felt extremely hot under the blankets. So, reddington kicked his side off, leaving liz covered. Sweat slowly started to form on him, making him wish that they had air conditioning.

The heat seemed to increase. Maybe, he could find a room that liz would stay out of. Then, he could sleep on the floor naked. Right now, his clothes were killing him.

When he finally thought that he could stand the heat, liz turned in her slumber and wrapped an arm around him, bringing all of her warmth with her.

His breath caught in his throat as her breath softly ghosted over his neck, tickling and heating him. Normally, he would have enjoyed her being so close, but right now, her warmth was suffocating him. He tried to stay still which resulted in her snuggling closer.

Red didn't mean to push her away as hard as he did, but it still ended with liz yelping and nearly falling off the bed. She stared wide eyed as he sat up and started to rip his shirt off over his head. When it got stuck, he grunted and tugged harder.

"What are you doing?" Liz asked, unsure of if she should help him. She'd never seen him struggling so hard.

"It's too hot!" He stated, still struggling. Liz reached over and untangled him. He gave a huff as he stood up and moved to the window.

After yanking it open, he stuck his upper body out and sighed loudly when the cool air hit his sweat soaked skin.

"How do you sleep in all of that?" Red asked, voice muffled by the wall.

"Why do you sound like you're dying?" Liz countered. Before he could respond, the window pane slammed down onto his back.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Red yelped. Squirming, he tried to get a grip on the panel. Liz sighed as she stood up to help the flailing criminal, taking a second to admire the view this gave her of reddington. She tugged the window open long enough for him to get his head back through. Then, it closed with a loud 'thack'.

"It's too hot," He complained. Sadly, he only had one article,of clothing left, and he didn't think liz would be too happy about it being removed.

"Why don't you try a cold shower?" Liz said, and red nodded. That might work.

Liz laid back down while red went in search of a shower. Luckily, he found one, and it worked exceedingly well. Lizzie was already dozing off when he came back, refreshed. He laid down next to her and sighed again as he sank into the soft bed.

Now that he didn't feel like he was boiling in his own sweat, reddington could actually relax. Soon, he was passed out next to her, snoring loudly. Liz turned to glare at him. How was she supposed to sleep with that noise,in her ear all night?

"I should have left you in the window."


	2. Chapter 2

Liz woke up in an empty bed. She hadn't even thought that she was going to be able to sleep with Red's snoring, but somehow, she felt totally rested.

Sitting up, she heard a noise coming from the front of the house. It sounded like Red was making breakfast. Please, don't let it be pancakes!

She walked into the kitchen and saw Red scrambling eggs. She had to stare for a moment because he was putting his entire body into movement. That wasn't a bad sight even if he had already gotten dressed. His muscles tensed in his arms and back while his hips shifted from side to side with every flick of the whisk.

"How do you like your eggs cooked, Lizzie?" Red asked, shocking her a little. How long had she been staring?

"Any way is fine. I could make mine," liz stated.

"Nonsense, I'm already cooking. I might as well do yours as well," he responded a little too cheerfully. The bowl was poured into a hot pan which sizzled as soon as the egg touched it.

"...You want to show off your cooking skills, don't you?" Liz questioned, getting a smile from him.

"You know me too well, Lizzie."

"Okay, but I'm cooking later."

...

Breakfast had been utterly delicious. Obviously, that made liz feel a little competitive. It didn't help when Red had taken over lunch and said that she could handle dinner.

When she finally got to cook, she was irritated. So, everything turned out a bit greasy even though it tasted great. Red went as far as cleaning his plate with a piece of bread.

Although, after they had settled down to go to sleep, he wished that he hadn't. Apparently, his stomach didn't like the food as much as he had. A few seconds before he would have fallen asleep, his stomach gave a low rumble. Liz shifted slightly in her sleep at the sound but didn't wake up. Red closed his eyes again but was immediately interrupted by a gurgling noise along with slight discomfort.

He turned on his side but regretted it when his stomach gave an almost strangled sound. He groaned which finally woke liz up. She lifted her head to look at him.

"What's wrong with you?" She asked before he groaned again.

"My stomach isn't settling well," he responded before shifting to his back again which helped a little. "We ate the same stuff. Why isn't it affecting you the same way?"

"Maybe, I'm more used to greasy food," liz stated with a shrug.

"Lizzie, I've eaten food all over the world, some you probably wouldn't even feel comfortable looking at. I doubt a little grease is going to do me in," he said before his stomach made another loud gargle.

"You were saying?" She asked as he clamped a hand over his belly to calm it. He looked like he was going to be sick. "Maybe, you should go to the bathroom."

"No, it's fine if I don't move," he responded before he made a pained face and a small burp escaped him. "Or speak."

"That's fine by me," liz said, getting a small glare from him. "I'm kidding."

Red went to say something but groaned instead as his stomach felt like it did a flip. She gave him a concerned look before saying, "I'll go get something to help settle your stomach." Red gave another groan when the bed shifted as liz stood up. She came back a few minutes later carrying a glass of what looked like water. Red sat up when she handed it to him. After a short sip, his face contorted in disgust.

"This tastes terrible."

"Just drink it, you big baby," liz said as she went back to her side of the bed. He downed the rest of the foul liquid and set the glass on the night stand. Not long after, he passed out, leaving liz with the sound of snoring. She closed her eyes to go to sleep but opened them when she felt an arm wrap around her. Red was pressed up against her, still snoring in her ear and nuzzling her hair.

"I gotta learn to let you suffer," liz muttered even though it didn't bother her when he cuddled up even closer to her.


	3. Chapter 3

It was completely dark when she woke up. She opened her eyes but stayed still. Why was she awake? Her first instinct would have been Red snoring, but he had actually quieted down to a low rumble which reverberated in his chest and vibrated onto her back. It made her think of a cat purring, a big, clingy, slightly stubbly cat.

Her gaze moved when she heard a rustling noise in the corner. It was still pitch black. So, she couldn't see anything. Reaching back, she shook Reddington lightly. He woke with a small grunt and blinked groggily.

"Lizzie, why am-," Red started.

"Shhh," she broke him off and tried to listen for the sound again. "I heard something," she added while he laid his head back down. His arm stayed around her, and he seemed to be on the verge of sleep again.

"It's probably just the wind," he muttered sleepily as he nuzzled the back of her neck. Since when would the concierge of crime blame something on the wind?

"Will you get off of me?" She asked and slapped at the back of his arm. If he wasn't going to pay attention to her concern, why should she let him keep cuddling her?

Red backed away just as the rustling noise happened again. It definitely wasn't the wind but was too small to be a human intruder. He could tell that Lizzie had tensed up.

"Relax. It's probably just a mouse," he stated, patting her forearm. "Go back to sleep."

Lizzie shifted slightly and kept her eyes open. She knew that Red was probably right, that didn't stop her from worrying. As she started to close her eyes, she saw a quick flash of brown. She yelped and jumped backwards, landing on, and crawling over Reddington.

"It jumped on the bed! We have to get rid of it!" Lizzie exclaimed while Red turned on the light.

"Lizzie, we're in the middle of the woods. If you get rid of it, one more is gonna take its place," he responded. She looked unconvinced but didn't want to argue. "Let's just get some more sleep."

"I'm not getting back in bed. I'll go read a book or something in the living room," Liz stated.

"Well, I'm staying here," Red replied with a sigh.

She left and found a book on a shelf in the living room. Curling up on the sofa, she started flipping through the pages. After a moment, she heard a yelp, blankets being shuffled and a loud thud. Unless the mouse was exceedingly heavy, that had to have been Reddington falling off the bed. She watched him walk in, obviously annoyed and still in his boxers.

"We have to get rid of it," He grumbled as he dropped down next to her.

"What happened?"

"...It tried to go up my boxers."

...

So, this is how I woke up. Minus the Reddington parts, obviously... sadly.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's note- not sure, but I might be crossing a line here. Oh well. I feel like this would end up being a legitimate problem at some point.

...

This was NOT going to be fun. This is what feels like the hardest thing to explain to someone... Especially when that someone was Raymond Reddington. Even if it was, Liz knew that she had to do it.

"Hey, Red," Liz said, her nerves already evident in her voice.

"What is it, sweatheart?" He asked, looking up from his book. She was biting her lower lip in an anxious manner. He had to refrain from staring at the movement and, more importantly, refrain from wanting to bite her lip, himself.

"Um... There's a town nearby, right?" She questioned, making him raise an eyebrow. He gave a slight nod. "C-could I go and pick something up?"

"I don't think that would be a good idea. You're still all over the news," he said. Liz immediately looked crestfallen and worried. He had to do something to make her feel better. "If you want, I can go get it for you. It's a rarity someone recognizes me."

"I don't want to... But I really need you to," Liz muttered.

"Is something wrong, Lizzie?" He asked. She looked so nervous. Was she sick and didn't want to admit it?

"It's kind of a girl thing," she said, hoping that he'd get the hint.

"... What?" He questioned. Liz was thoroughly disappointed. Any other day, she bet that he would have gotten that.

"It's...," how could she say this? "My time."

"..."

"... Every month, Red," she added. He continued to stare at her in what looked like confusion.

"Lizzie, don't hit me or get mad if I'm wrong, but are you trying to say that you need tampons?" He asked causing her face to turn beet red. She hid it in her hands and slumped forward.

"I need pads," she corrected.

"Alright, I'll be back in an hour," he stated and stood up. He patted her shoulder before leaving. It was rather funny to see Liz so flustered over this.

...

Red wasn't fazed by something like this. Naomi had sent him to get hers for years. Honestly, he thought it would be more embarrassing for a woman to have to buy them. It wasn't like the cashier was going to give him a look because he had to use them. He'd seen a few obnoxious cashiers give Naomi that look, and it had thoroughly irritated him.

Of course, he had forgotten about one thing. He knew what kind that his ex-wife had used. Liz's was a complete mystery. So now, he was staring at a vast array of tampons and pads.

He also skimmed over the stand holding candy bars that that been strategically placed in the center. After a long moment, he grabbed two bars. Truth be told, he wanted chocolate and didn't want to leave Liz out.

Looking back at the other items that covered the aisle, he wondered if this had actually become more complicated over the years. There were a few things that he didn't remember. It wasn't helping him that a few of these things could end up insulting Liz.

The biggest thing was what size to get. Different packages had different ways of measuring. This also opened up a can of worms. He had to guess Liz's crotch size.

This could be the death of him. Guess too big, she feels fat. Guess too small, again, she feels fat. Guess the right size, she thinks that he's been looking at her crotch. After a good ten minutes of staring, he grabbed three different packages, each a different size. Maybe, he could dodge a bullet.

...

"Hopefully, one of these is right," Red stated as he walked in the front door. He gave them to Liz and watched as she gave him a sheepish grin.

"Actually... y-you off by one size," she said. Red tried to hide his exasperated look but failed. Liz waited a moment before saying, "I'm just kidding."

"Now, that was evil, Lizzie."


	5. Chapter 5

Another way that living with someone was different was that they had to share the bathroom. Liz glared at Red who was sitting across from her. He didn't glare back, but he didn't look happy.

"I get the shower first," Liz stated.

"I have to go meet someone in an hour. I need to take mine first," Red countered.

"You always use up the hot water."

"It's my safe house," he argued.

"I'm on my period," she said making him scoff.

"That doesn't make me want to get in after you," he replied. Of course, he wouldn't mind getting in WITH her. Before his face could show what he was thinking, he stood up. "That doesn't entitle you to first shower. That entitles you to chocolate and a back or foot rub, if you ask for it."

"Just go take your shower," Liz said before slumping back. Red smirked before going to leave the room. "Red?"

"Yes?" He asked, looking back at her.

"Were you serious about the back rub?"

"Of course, sweetheart."

...

It was a good forty minutes later and Liz hadn't seen Red again. She'd spent the time reading and had gotten bored. She stood up and started walking towards the bathroom. The water wasn't running and the door was open half an inch. If Red was out, he could have at least told her. Intent on taking her shower, she pushed the door open and started inside.

"LIZZIE!" Red yelped as he tried to cover himself. The split second that he had dropped his towel, she had barged in. She gasped and rushed out.

"I swear I thought you were gone!" Liz yelled through the wall. She wished that she could say that she hadn't seen anything, but that would have been a lie.

Red dressed quickly and came out to see a scarlet faced Lizzie. If his own cheeks weren't a little pink, he would have teased her.

"That was... interesting," Red stated awkwardly.

"I swear that I didn't mean to do that."

"Don't worry about it," He said with a chuckle. He would have patted her on the shoulder but didn't think that this was the time to touch her. Liz felt like she had to say something else. She looked and saw his crisp, new looking suit.

"Y-you look good... IN THE SUIT!" She shouted when she realized how that sounded. "I mean, not that you didn't look good in there. GAH! I mean, I didn't see anything!"

"Lizzie, i-"

"Okay, I saw a lot! Well, not a lot! I didn't see everything, just your ass!

"If I said I saw a lot, it'd sound like had a big butt, and you don't!... I don't mean that you have a flat ass! You have a nice ass! I MEAN A NICE SIZE! Not that you don't have a nice ass! I like your ass! GAH! SON OF A BITCH!"

By this point, Liz looked like she was about to die with her face buried in her hands. Red blushed as what all she had said processed. So, she likes his ass? This could be used to his advantage someday.

"I need to get going," Red stated. Liz nodded but didn't look up. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "I could give you that massage, when I get back."

"...Sure," liz responded quietly. He patted her on the shoulder before walking away.

Liz watched him as he left. A man that she was undeniably attracted to would be touching her? This was either going to go really well or really badly.


	6. Chapter 6

By the time that Red got back, it was almost one in the morning. He had expected to find that Liz had already gone to bed. Instead, he found her doing battle with invading flies. After a moment of shock, he hung his jacket up.

"Lizzie?" He said to get her attention.

"Oh, hey Red. Did we leave something out to draw in these little bastards?" Liz asked as she swatted one of the insects. Another flew into her face. She flinched and blew at it. Red stepped forward and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"How about we leave this for tomorrow, and you can get your massage?" He questioned. Liz looked a little hesitant and fiddled with the fly swatter in her hands. Could she really handle Reddington doing that?

"I... okay," she replied and let him lead her into the bedroom. Then, she tried to hold back a blush after realizing how that sounded. She laid down on her stomach while Red got on his knees to her side. Liz flinched and tensed when his hands touched her shoulder.

"Lizzie, you have to loosen up a little," Red stated. After she relaxed a little, he started to rub her shoulders which still felt exceedingly tense. "I'm starting to think you needed this."

"Yeah... How did that meeting or whatever it was go?"

"Pretty well. I got a call from Dembe too," Red responded, digging his fingers deeper. Liz gave a small noise of appreciation.

"What did he say?" She asked. Relaxing further, she closed her eyes and pressed her cheek against the pillow.

"He and Mr. Kaplan are doing alright. He said to tell you hi," he replied. His fingers went lower on her back, gaining another soft moan from her.

"That's nice," she murmured.

"Anything you'd like to have me tell him next time?"

"Interesting," Liz said. Red had to strain not to pause. Looking down at her face, Red saw that Liz looked exceedingly relaxed.

"You didn't hear a word I said, did you?" He asked and got no response. His mouth turned up into a small smile. This could be fun.

"You know," he started. "Dembe also suggested where our next safe house could be."

"Mmhmm," she hummed, totally immersed in the wonders that Red was doing.

"He suggested that the three of us go live in Amish country. Mr. Kaplan,would go too, but she stays too busy. Dembe and I could run a farm while you stayed in and churned butter."

"Ok," Liz said, not hearing a word. Red kept himself from snickering.

"You could pose as my wife," he added. "Of,course, then, I'd have to wear a fake beard or grow one out. Do you think I'd look good with a beard?"

"That's interesting."

"Maybe eventually, we actually could get married. Of course, by then, I'd probably be too old for us to have children. What do you think?" Red went on, and Liz was silent. For a moment, he worried that she had heard him. He looked down and saw that she had fallen asleep. His lips tugged upwards into a smile.

Red got ready for bed before sliding in next to her. Glancing at her again, he couldn't help but think that she looked adorable. Hoping that she wouldn't wake up, he leaned over and kissed her on the temple. "Good night, Lizzie."

...

Red woke up before Liz but felt no need to get up. He just stayed still and watched her with bleary eyes. Then, she jerked her head up like she had been startled.

"What in the actual fuck?" She said looking completely bewildered.

"What is it, sweetheart?" Red asked, watching her turn her head towards him.

"I dreamt that me, you, and Dembe were Amish," she responded and stared in even more confusion as Red dissolved into a fit of laughter.


	7. Chapter 7

"To be honest, Lizzie, I don't know why you're still trying to fight those things," Red stated as he finished adding the top layer of lasagna.

"Easy for you to say. They're avoiding you," she retorted. Liz swatted at a fly that was buzzing around her face. Red rolled his eyes as he opened the oven door. This was the last night that they'd be spending in the house. He wanted to have a nice dinner. Liz had come to help but mostly just ended up watching as Red worked. His crisp white shirt had been rolled up to his elbows, showing off his forearms.

Red bent down to put the pan into the oven. Liz was kept from the view of his ass that showed because of the insects that were attacking her. Red paused after he slid the pan in. Something in the back caught his eye.

"What the hell is that?" He muttered as he reached towards a dark shape. His fingers touched it and found that it had just been a dirty spot. He'd have to clean that.

Liz swung her hands a little too wildly at the flies around her. One went too far and caused her hand to smack into Red's rear. He gave a startled yelp and bashed his head into the top of the oven. Standing back up, he held a hand to the spot he had hit. Liz stared, eyes wide, with her hands over her mouth in shock.

"I swear that was an accident! I was going after a fly!" She tried to explain.

"Oh sure," Red said sarcastically.

"What's that supposed to mean," Liz questioned. She sounded angry, but Red knew better. If she had been, she wouldn't be checking the back of his head for cuts or bruises.

"Oh, nothing. It's just that two days ago, you say that you like my ass. Now, here you are coping a feel," he answered with a smirk. He watched as her face turned red.

"I didn't mean to."

"Lizzie," he said and leaned his back against the counter. He took her hand and held it to his chest in a mock dramatic display. "Sweetheart, walking in on me could have been an accident. But, no one accidentally touches another person so inappropriately."

Liz knew he was joking but still disliked what he was saying. He chuckled and patted her on the shoulder.

...

Liz walked into the dining room and sat the table. On her way in, She had stumbled over a tear in the old carpet. They'd need to watch out for that. Then, Reddington walked in carrying their plates. He sat them down before turning.

"I'll get the drinks," Liz stated, careful to avoid the tear.

"Sweetheart, you stay here. I'll get the drinks," Red said, walking after her. Liz turned to argue just in time for Red to trip over the tear in the carpet. They both yelped in shock as they fell to the floor. Liz ended up flat on her back while Red ended up on top of her with his face between her breasts. He gasped and jumped up quickly. He expected Liz to look flustered. Instead, she looked smug.

"I-I tripped," he said quickly.

"Oh sure," she purred sarcastically. Red's earlier joking was coming back to bite him in the ass. He blushed furiously causing her to chuckle. She stood up and moved next to him. "If I can't spank you and it be an accident, then, you can't motor boat me and get away with it."

"I was kidding," he said, sounding meek. His cheeks got hotter and redder making her laugh again. She reached over and pinched his cheek gently.

"You're adorable when you're blushing."

...

That's the end of this one. I hope you guys enjoyed it.


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